It was not so long ago when a middle age woman decided she did NOT want to wake up to another day of extreme pain that no one fully understood and could do something about. She did not think any day would arrive to mark the progress of her condition. She was so fortunate in having the fullest support from her families: husband, son, parents, brothers and sisters, friends, pastor, other school parents, colleagues and neighbors. There was no one who knew of her condition who did not sympathize or empathized.  She had the fullest care from love ones. So what did she want?  What made her do it?

 

She had a unique set of pain and condition. She needed all the help to move but she could not be touched. The slightest touch of cold or warn air or of the softest cloth or cotton was incredibly painful. This added to her isolation and extreme frustration.

 

One sad thing she learned about the health industry is that the people who are supposed to help sick people heal cannot afford to be most enthusiastic, encouraging or hopeful in their communications with patients. They take the most conservative approach in determining what is wrong with a person seeking help. They are very conservative in ‘projecting’ positive health improvements. She found out the reason, WHY behind this attitude after her candid and off the record dialogues with people in this ‘CARING’ industry.

 

The doctors would rather say a person has only 6 months to live even if he/she ‘knows’ or feels the patient may have 2 years to live. The medical people express the worse things rather than the better possibilities because of the nature of our society:

 

                                            We are a litigious society.

 

If doctor A says patient X has a chance of living for 2 more years and then ends up alive only for 6 months, that situation invites for law suits! They would rather that: a miracle seems to have happen than looking like they were incompetent in diagnosing the patient’s condition.

 

This woman wanted the doctors desperately to tell her that she had a good chance of recovering from the paralysis that resulted from the unsuccessful surgeries. But they would NOT dare give her any sense of good news and it was frustrating. She refused to sue them for the unsuccessful surgeries. But she was tempted to sue them for mental torture, for refusing to be encouraging. “That is not the way the system works. ” she was told.  She continues to wonder how many people died because of the deficient care caused by fear of legal liabilities that might result from being very encouraging or by being optimistic in a patient’s prospect for recovery.

 

She wondered about this silently for quit sometime. She decided to share a part of her personal story that in the past she would leave out when sharing her personal story. Part of the reason is that she was afraid of what people would think of her. Second, she felt there was not enough time to explain the reason behind her action.  Third she felt it was not relevant. Now she is glad to have this opportunity to tell a part of her story with emphasis on that one moment of weakness to led her to act irrationally - One moment of weakness that unfortunately cannot be undone after one has the time to think about the consequences. This opportunity came to her door when she became a member of the Impact Action Team that decided to help bring greater awareness of Teen Suicide and how to prevent teen from ever trapped into considering suicide as a life solution. This Suicide prevention week and particular day gave her cause to do some serious reflection. Part of the reflection resulted in her decision to share her own story with the hope that it would help shed light into what things to avoid so that suicide is never an option in life problem solving.

 

 

 

Hello my name is Marie Angili. What follows here is part of my story. My hope and purpose is: if there is just one soul or two who would who would gather an insight into the complicated reasons behind suicide and share them with teens to help them understand this self destruction act, I will have succeeded in my purpose of sharing this part of my challenges in the past up to the present.

 

It was not so long ago when I was diagnosed with the rarest spinal disease known to man. It is sometimes known as the Japanese spinal disease because 98 % of people worldwide diagnosed with it were Japanese. I’m not Japanese thus I belong to the minority 2%. Surgery was the only remedy according to 3 doctors. Statistics showed only 13% of those who underwent surgery got any relief from it. Risk of complication was 15% , The statistics were not good but I went for it after I traveled to Japan to do due diligence. In the end, I became part of the 15% statistics of unsuccessful surgeries on spinal condition. I came out paralyzed on both legs and left arm. I was consistently told from the start that it was highly unlikely that I would ever walk again. Only 1 in 20 improved. I fought hard to reject the verdict. But even as I fought, this condition came to me at a time when:

1. I was totally clueless about serious health conditions, how medicine work, how to deal or manage pain.
2. Medical people would rather be pessimistic than optimistic in the prospect of someone’s recovery
3. I had witnessed and helped many people in different hardship situations except conditions of pain or situation of paralysis

 

Not only was I paralyzed in 75% of my body, the other part of me that could feel and move felt nothing but pain. I was this ball of lifeless parts and also this raging ball of pain that many people around me felt so helpless and clueless about. 

 

Even with the positive encouragement of families and assurances of prayers from all quarters not one could answer these questions?

 

1. Will this condition improve?
2. Will the next medicine prove to be effective?
3. Will this pain ever go away and leave me in ‘peace’ even if paralyzed?

 

Not only was I not given answers to these questions, the only question they have an answer for this - Will I ever walk again? And the answer was: Very Unlikely!

 

In their attempts of not wanting to give me false hope, all the medical people kept reminding me do this and would not give the answer that would have given me reason to bear the pain each day with meaning, the answer that would have prevented me from dropping into the bin of despair & hopelessness, the answer that would have made the difference when someone is making a choice between continuing with life or ending it.

 

I feel strongly about this because I am not an immature adolescent or a drift or someone who had had meaningless life before. Yet I somehow managed to land into to serious and desperate situation where I decided the best thing to do was to overdose myself and end all the pain, misery and meaningless burden of everyone who cared about me. Had I succeeded in not waking back to life, no one would have been able to explain why I did it. No one would have been able to reconcile what I did with who I was, with my family and with my beliefs & values. I valued life and I still do. Not only that, I also believe that life is not ours to end at anytime. Yet why did I attempt to end that which is given to me to live out?

 

A day arrived when pain spiked the highest, my physical therapist arrived late and handled my therapy session with little less gentleness. The same day I saw myself more clearly as unnecessary burden with no prospect of getting better. I saw my grade school son, squeezed in all the adjustments in household and family life that needed to me made for my sake. When he was a little rambunctious at school I was not there to help guide and calm him down.

 

These may not sound serious but they are enough to push someone who is already on the brink of wanting to end all things after long time feeling of nothing but heap of pain, helplessness, hopelessness and unnecessary burden.

 

For someone who had been near this brink and who had taken the leap albeit unsuccessful at it. (fortunately) I will say this: The most and best thing to feed someone with who is in difficult, delicate situation and is in danger of ending his/her life is HOPE.

 

I mean hope here to mean anything that will make the person feel that she is important. Hope here means the solution that exists for every challenge even if that solution is not clear yet at the time. Hope here means the meaning hidden in ones adversity. Hope here means the belief that whatever is one’s challenges is, she person bearing it is given the internal capacity to bear it for herself/himself and for the community at large. Hope here means that the person’s life is worth all the sacrifices of all the people around him/her.

 

For someone who had been there, I can say that there is no measure greater than HOPE and MEANING that can make the challenged person hold stead fast in the midst of all the pain, desperation and challenges.

 

All steps should be taken to help the person avoid feeling helpless, hopeless, extreme paid and feeling he/she is a burden to anyone. It cannot be helped that the person will feel rotten, sick, angry. They should never be left in isolation even when and if they refuse to talk.

 

All forms of communication should be used to engage the person constantly. They should be monitored both in their pensive and exuberant mood, especially when their mood is out of place.

 

If in fact attempt at serious suicide is always plan, then mine was the exception. I never planned ending my life. That serious day just came to make things simply overwhelming for me and I took what was available and accessible to me. I wonder how many feel victims of those moments when things simply felt too much and there was no one there to watch what you would do in those moments. Would this be called accident? Yes and No. Yes because there was no conscious and deliberate plan to do it. No is the sense that, at that very moment when the person decides to do it, he/she means really to do it. He/she doesn’t attempt it with the hope it is not successful. It is in this context that those momentary situations of overwhelming hopelessness and/or helplessness are dangerous. They are situations to be guarded against by those taking care of the loved ones or patients in these special situations.

 

I spoke few days ago with the Directress of a non-profit helping Pre-Teen Take care of themselves and their unborn babies during the pregnancy.  She shared that 20% of those the teens moms they take care of attempt suicide with 50% success rate. She learned from the unsuccessful ones that: overwhelming fear +shame; hopelessness; lack of self-worth were what made the girls feel it wasn’t worth going on with life. Based on these reasons, they revised their programs 5 years ago to reinforce:

 

Self-Esteem

Stronger and Communications between Parents and Teens

One year of Follow-up counseling after giving birth.

 

Other cultures are tougher and less forgiving than the western cultures to teenage pregnancy. When a teen gets pregnant in these cultures, she is expected to get married quickly. If not she and her child will be ostracized for life. Thus 90% of the teens who do not get married end up committing suicide. When I was in college I got involved in a religious community program that reached out to college students who got pregnant. I remembered very well the script I was trained to deliver to the students. As I recall every student we took in our confidential center went out more confident than they had ever been in their life.

 

The only thing we convinced them to believe is this:

 

God is the author of human Sexuality. Sex is one of the most powerful and beautiful things God gifted man with. God is very understanding and is the first one to understand and forgive the consequences when man/woman is less careful with the exercise of this gift. Even the result that comes from the less responsible use of sex is a precious thing called a new life. He wants you to take care of yourself and the baby.  He knows you can do it and you should and we are here to help you and show you how.” Then the girls stay in the “convent for unwed moms” until they give birth and fully able to decide what to do with their babies, whether to keep them or allow the nuns to look for adoptive parents.

 

There are more than 2 dozens students around the world who I remain in contact with for 30 years.  I do not think anyone of them would ever understand how and why I did what I did from what they know about me.

 

My point here is this:  the kind of reason that drove me at that moment to reach out for dangerous amount of drug to take in is the most dangerous ‘force’ of all because, it was not expected, it was not planned, it did not show signs or symptoms-I did not threatened ever to do such a thing and yet I did it. I presented not warning at all.  For me this the most dangerous situation to guard. The good news is that the way to guard against is not something hard or unique thing to do:

 

“Simply never leave anyone in extreme pain alone. Isolation+extreme or unbearable pain+access to drug = open door to suicide.”

 

That I got it all out. I feel good about it actually. I am glad the opportunity to revisit and reflect again on my personal experience came at such a appropriate time like this world awareness day for suicide prevention

 

Humbly and gratefully

Marie